How to Move on After Divorce
The dust is starting to settle after the whirlwind that surrounded divorce and your ex is moving on, but you don’t yet feel ready to move on.
You never considered divorce would be part of your story, so you don’t really know how to heal, if you want to date (or how to!), and what it looks like to feel ready to move forward. You know you’re not ready and need to heal more, but your ex has already move on. Some ideal part of you wants to not care that your spouse is moving on, but honestly you can’t shake your anger. You want to be able to move forward too, but you’re stuck.
What is Moving Forward after Divorce?
Culturally, moving forward after a relationship ends means “moving on”, being ready to date again. But the notion of moving on to another partner oversimplifies the reality of life and healing after a meaningful relationship ends. Healing is much broader than just being ready to date again. You may need to define what moving forward means for you after divorce. This could be grieving the relationship, learning from the past, finding new normals for yourself after divorce, and possibly dating again in the future. Ideally, you can accept the reality of your life and integrate this into your life moving forward without being burdened by bitterness. A therapist can be really helpful in helping you move through your stuck points and heal more holistically after divorce.
Set Boundaries with Your Ex
It is very common after divorce to get stuck in patterns of paying attention to what your ex is doing (or not doing), and all your feelings about that. While there is a place to process your emotions about their new life, focusing too much on your ex’s decisions may be stopping you from learning to live your new life. Thinking about how much they have “moved on” is not going to help you move forward healthily. Where you can, set boundaries with your ex and with yourself around communication, looking them on social media, etc.
Focus on Your Life Again
As you set boundaries with your ex you’ll start to diffuse hot spots of reactivity that steal your attention. Boundaries give you more time to get curious about your own feelings, your own desires, your own decisions about building this next chapter of your life. Rebuilding your life and rhythms as a single person can feel daunting. Use journaling, mindfulness, or talk with a friend about your own feelings (not your feelings about your ex!), your interests, your hobbies. Start small - think about what you want to do with an hour of free time. What type of food do you feel like having for lunch with a friend? What brings you joy? Where do you have fun? Where do you enjoy spending your time? What new thing do you want to try or what old thing do you want to reconnect to again?
Moving forward after divorce is much broader than merely being ready to date again. I specialize in helping people rebuild their life and heal after divorce, serving therapy clients in the Oakland and SF Bay Area area, or online throughout California. Reach out today for your free 15 minute consultation call to learn how you can move forward after divorce, too.
